10 Things You Shouldn’t Say On A First Date
“So, what’s your number? Five? Ten? I’m just curious, no judgment here! But like, you’re really hot, so I bet it’s high. Is it over twenty? I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours. Wait, really? I don’t believe you… there’s no way you’ve only slept with seven people. I mean, really, I’m not gonna tell you mine if you’re just going to lie straight to my face. Seven… yeah. Okay.”
“Haha no but seriously I’m wasted. I feel like alcohol is super good for that. I mean like whenever I go out I always take a few shots beforehand, it really helps me. I know we’ve only had one drink but I’m flyin’ high! HAHA. I’m having such a good time already. Do you believe in the concept of soulmates? Want to take shots?”
“You seem like a pretty upbeat girl, yeah? I was wondering, uh… ever think about what’ll happen when you die? We’re all gonna die someday, it’s not weird to think about. I mean — death is everywhere. Do you think it’s weird to think about? Ever wonder who would skip your funeral?”
“Oh — you need to go? Sure you don’t want to like, go back to my apartment and take off our clothes together? Just kidding! Haha. Got you. I was totally just kidding. All my friends know I joke around a lot. You’ll find that I joke around a lot. I’m a really funny guy once you get to know me.”
“Oh, I haven’t had champagne since I was with my ex, who totally screwed me over by the way. What a mistake I made with her! Hah! I mean, not that you asked, but let me tell you how much of a whore this girl was. You know what — nevermind. Forget I said anything. It’s just that… let’s just say that she went around the block a few times while she was with me. I’m not trying to say anything about her right now. Who likes a person who talks about their ex on a first date? F-ck her though, seriously.”
“Are your parents divorced? I’m asking because studies show that a child of divorce is likely to get divorced themselves, eventually, and my parents are divorced so if we’re two for two here… we’re kind of screwed, right? Like, this date would be pointless. Right?”
“You work on Prince? There’s this neat little Italian place a few blocks down, we’re totally eating there on our second date. I can meet you at your job? Oh… oh, wow… you do want to go on a second date with me, don’t you? I uh… I think, I thought we were having a great time so I just kind of assumed that we’d do this again, a few days from now if that works for you? If that fits in your schedule?”
[~5 second pause in conversation] “Do you think this is an awkward silence? Hah. I think this is really awkward. Sorry, I’m just an awkward person sometimes. It just seems like we have nothing to say to each other. Ummm. Wow this is really awkward, isn’t it?”
“I just have to warn you ahead of time that I’m always, always working. I work fourteen hours a day, seven days a week. But babe, it’s like my father and my father’s father and my father’s father’s father worked those hours, too. You can’t just become a 53%er overnight. It takes generations of manual labor and blood. Lots of blood. No handouts for anyone, am I right? You brought your wallet, right? We’re going dutch.”
“Well. What should we talk about?”
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It’s unfortunate, but we’re creatures of habit and we’ll hold onto our convictions until we’re literally forced to stop.
You basically have to walk a perfect straight line at all times in Japan because if you veer off at any moment you will almost definitely get mashed by a Japanese lady on a mamabike with three kids strapped to it.
Come on people, as if other people’s choices of love affected you in the least. Penguins don’t pull this crap on fellow homosexual penguins.
3. You’ve searched Etsy or eBay for a cute and inexpensive fez.