Top 10 Bleakest Unpublished Blog Posts of 2009

2. “Unseemlily Bleak” (February 24)

Seems like a desperate, ranting, tonally inconsistent blog post. Seems like I can currently relate to this blog post. I vaguely remember watching Caroline in some place. I don’t remember with who, or why. Just felt a bleakly impulsive yearning to return to that time, without knowing what that time was or why I would want to return to that time.

i’m getting mad hits, am i even real

i feel really depressed

if mad hits can’t fill the emptiness at the center of my being what can

what can

can anything

should i enter a 5-10 year phase where i ‘cultivate’ my emptiness

i think i have already been doing that but in a half-assed way the last 1-4 years, i’m really not sure

i really don’t know anything, for example i thought that i only want to think certain things about people who dislike things or say things or people are good or bad but then i thought some other things and got confused

i think ‘cultivating’ emptiness is like feeling extreme disinterest in sex and immediate gratification, having extremely low self-esteem to the point of ‘moving beyond’ self-esteem, only ever displaying a ‘neutral facial expression,’ being really clean, eating only raw vegan organic food, and containing the content of one’s internet presence within clean and modern designs featuring sans serif and non-blurry headers

just being really beautiful but not doing anything with it, like having it be an ends

maybe i should delete my myspace

is my myspace lowering the quality of the meaninglessness of my life

would a billion unique visitors do anything to me

or will i just look at statcounter sadly, and eat carbohydrates

am i worried about the future

i contemplated the future during the 3d movie ‘coraline’

i thought about responsibilities

i thought about ‘eeeee eee eeee’

i thought about studio apartments

last night i reread the fifth story in ‘bed,’ i felt very impressed, i appreciated my similes and metaphors

i stopped more than once to contemplate a particular adjective, adverb, or sentence structure

i saw many em-dashes

when my next two books come out people will realize i didn’t control my brain at all the past three years, like i didn’t plan its development, or i didn’t have people around me to make me consistent or something

i seem unfunctional, in the world, yet i keep going, things keep happening successful

hehe

i don’t know

fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

the canon is already closed to me, at 25, what kind of world is this, that i exist in

The last line seems unseemly. Not sure what I was trying to convey. Seems bleakly passive-aggressive. Not sure if I posted/unposted this blog post.