Top 10 Animals That Don’t Have Asses
Perhaps the most intelligent animal that doesn’t have an ass, the Dolphin seems like it would probably have a sexy ass, due to its muscularly smooth [everything, it seems]. In 1994 Esquire was actually going to publish an unsolicited essay from [mid-list author with 3 novels from Knopf] about the 15 loveliest asses he’d seen on TV the past 6 months that earnestly included specific Dolphins from The Discovery Channel as #14 and #6, but a fact-checker rightly said that Dolphins don’t have asses and the managing editor sort of lost interest after that, not responding to [aforementioned author]‘s follow-up emails for weeks, then months, then ever—apparently the managing editor simply never responded. I just typed “lol” then deleted it.
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This is the first part of a book that I am writing for Thought Catalog. This is a fiction book about young people in New York City. A lot of it is not fiction, and not made up, because I am not sure if I am very good at making things up.
The sad truth is that even if we were to invest all of our time and resources into making ourselves look like somebody else, most of us would not succeed in complying with the ridiculously unattainable beauty standard created by the media.
Don’t pay any attention to what they write about you. Just measure it in inches.
I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, but lately I’ve realized that sometimes you have to put in the effort yourself to make something you want to happen, happen.