Things My Five-Year Old Has Said, Which I Have Quoted on Twitter

Nov. 10, 2010

By Laneia Jones info

Laneia is Executive Editor at Autostraddle, where she lives out her life-long dream of being self/semi-important. ...

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5/17

Laneia, I’m going to EAT YOU! I mean, if you were tiny and in my applesauce.

5/21

It doesn’t matter that she can’t fly. What I’m trying to say is, it’s a nice Jell-o hat.

5/29

Bongo drums are amazing. Like, where do they come from?

6/5

Slade can make everything magic. He could put things into my ear, and take things out of my ear! Everything could be magic.

7/30

If you stare at me, I’ll love you.

7/31

Eli: “Guess what.” me: “What.” Eli: “Justin Bieber.”

8/11

“A man is just a boy.”

8/18

me: “I am SO TIRED.” Eli: “AND BROKE.”

8/20

Eli: “My butt pocket!” me: “What about it?” Eli: “What about what?” me: “Your butt pocket” Eli: “…maybe just don’t worry about that.”

8/30

Eli

“This is not about tasting amazing. This is about fried chicken cake.”

9/3

“The green and the red one wanted to die. So I killed them.” – Eli re: sprinkles

9/17

“All of us are just characters. Characters. That’s all. I need [specific toy] – I mean, I need what I’ve got. I can’t find it.”

9/18

Eli: “I was only being scartastic. Startastic. Sartac–” me: “Sarcastic.” Eli: “Whatever. Let’s just have a tea party.”

9/21

“Do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?”

9/28

“It will be funnier if you hit yourself in the head with a hard taco, because all of the stuff will come out. A soft taco is not as funny.”

10/2

me: “Your shirt is on backwards” Eli: “That’s because I unfronted it.” me: “Why did you do that?” Eli: “This is more real.”

10/5

me: “You smell like a puppy.” Eli: “Thank you.”

10/8

“Look, a penis and a butt are just different.”

10/22

“[Teacher] was reading a Spongebob book and she said SITUATION. Laneia! She said it FOR REAL. I laughed so hard.”

10/22

“If you were a breadman made out of bread, and you got butter on yourself, that would be OK.” TC mark



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  • @srslydrew

    awwwww.

  • rarrwee

    funny kid hahah

  • http://heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com/ tao

    i like eli

    i feel excited reading things he has said

  • http://twitter.com/Erikhaspresence Erik Stinson

    really true

  • Jordancastroisthepresident

    i enjoyed this

    sweet

  • http://twitter.com/derpcircus miles barney

    Everything in a 5-year-old's life revolves around food. It's so great.

  • MMMMMMMMM

    i was in the bathroom thinking about how i wish you'd make a site for things your kids say, and i went on the computer to go through your twitter and find them because i was sad and this was on the internet and nice.

  • meganboyle

    want to read a chapbook or something by eli

  • http://ericbeeny.blogspot.com Eric Beeny

    This makes more sense than anything I've ever read…

  • http://exitclov.tumblr.com exitclov

    does your son smoke weed err'day?
    “if you stare at me, i'll love you” is genius.

  • watson

    i didn't know i could make comments here
    i just found out

    anyway this is the second-best thing i've ever read

  • EJ

    wait, do your kids really call you laneia or is that just for clarity? (just wondering)

    • Laneia

      they really call me laneia

      • http://coldestcaress.livejournal.com/ Isa

        I called my parents by their given names as a kid, too. I don't really see the problem with it.

  • http://popserial.tumblr.com stephen

    i enjoyed this a lot

  • Rachel

    Eli: “I was only being scartastic. Startastic. Sartac–” me: “Sarcastic.” Eli: “Whatever. Let’s just have a tea party.”

    I love this kid!

  • http://maceavam.blogspot.com Mace Avam

    Normally I'm not a fan of people putting stuff their kid does on the internet but…
    “It will be funnier if you hit yourself in the head with a hard taco, because all of the stuff will come out. A soft taco is not as funny.”
    This was pretty funny :]

  • max.

    yeah I'm sorry, but 'slade' is not the name of a human being.

    • Tcrenea

      ..and max is the name of  a dog.

  • Amien

    For some reason, I was affected by Eli's quotes as I would by a good piece of art. It's a new perspective on reality by someone who doesn't yet have a rigid idea about what reality is (or is supposed to be).

  • jo-anna

    Twitter and pages about cats, wasted space on the net. Ho Hum.

  • anon

    man my dick is huge

    • Azizansari

      /b/tard

    • http://www.facebook.com/nansandoval Nancy Sandoval

      lol

  • Red

    This is so late, but I couldn't help reenacting Eli, and you. Really, I just played it out in my head, then out loud, and laughed.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Fasish-Rahjyme/100001543160445 Fasish Rahjyme

    Stop smoking weed around your kid. Maybe?

  • EB

    I really enjoyed this and I've actually started writing a song around the quotes! I've used 4/18 and 4/19. Hope you don't mind!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000778818646 Megan Elaine Cuvelier

    ^_^ this kid is freakin amazing

  • http://twitter.com/Glyttch Aeryk Burger

    Have you had him evaluated for schizophrenia? I'm schizophrenic and these sound a lot like things that I said as a kid…

    • Evee

      Onset of schizophrenia before your 20's is extremely extremely rare. Also these statements are not indicative of mental issues, merely creative play which is an essential part of development.

      • Amy Pond

        I’m with you that the kid probably doesn’t have schitzophrenia, but actually most cases of the disease show up in teenagers.

  • Bliss

    Some of the people in the comment section have been oversmart jackasses,please don't give them much thought.Such a lovely kid.It was a great idea collecting his words.God bless you both.

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