Things My Five-Year Old Has Said, Which I Have Quoted on Twitter
Laneia, I’m going to EAT YOU! I mean, if you were tiny and in my applesauce.
It doesn’t matter that she can’t fly. What I’m trying to say is, it’s a nice Jell-o hat.
Bongo drums are amazing. Like, where do they come from?
Slade can make everything magic. He could put things into my ear, and take things out of my ear! Everything could be magic.
If you stare at me, I’ll love you.
Eli: “Guess what.” me: “What.” Eli: “Justin Bieber.”
“A man is just a boy.”
me: “I am SO TIRED.” Eli: “AND BROKE.”
Eli: “My butt pocket!” me: “What about it?” Eli: “What about what?” me: “Your butt pocket” Eli: “…maybe just don’t worry about that.”
“This is not about tasting amazing. This is about fried chicken cake.”
“The green and the red one wanted to die. So I killed them.” – Eli re: sprinkles
“All of us are just characters. Characters. That’s all. I need [specific toy] – I mean, I need what I’ve got. I can’t find it.”
Eli: “I was only being scartastic. Startastic. Sartac–” me: “Sarcastic.” Eli: “Whatever. Let’s just have a tea party.”
“Do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?”
“It will be funnier if you hit yourself in the head with a hard taco, because all of the stuff will come out. A soft taco is not as funny.”
me: “Your shirt is on backwards” Eli: “That’s because I unfronted it.” me: “Why did you do that?” Eli: “This is more real.”
me: “You smell like a puppy.” Eli: “Thank you.”
“Look, a penis and a butt are just different.”
“[Teacher] was reading a Spongebob book and she said SITUATION. Laneia! She said it FOR REAL. I laughed so hard.”
“If you were a breadman made out of bread, and you got butter on yourself, that would be OK.”
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In 2009 I got really fed up with my 9-5 job and decided to quite and spend a year backpacking around Asia. It took a year of living with my Mom, saving every dime and basically driving everyone in my life crazy, but I finally actually did it.
His laugh is contagious and you hope you catch it. You will find one another’s eyes from across the room when someone alludes to a previous moment in time.
6. If we don’t orgasm, it’s not to spite you.
13. You need to spend time apart, or you will get sick of each other.