How To Attract Women in 2011
Women don’t care how you dress. As long as you don’t seem too gay, straight women will happily look past anything you might wear, seeking ‘deeper truths’ about your potential as a mate. If you want to make some kind of statement about this, try wearing things that would be hard for a style-sensitive mainstream person to look past: fedora hats, Hawaiian shirts, cords, cargos, and/or puffy Land’s End jackets.
What to Say
Contrary to 20th century fertility myths (Hollywood, pornography), talking is actually a good thing. When attempting to win the favor of most women, building a linguistic relationship is the only real hurdle. You need to be a more verbal, more observational version of yourself. Getting laid is 90% debate skills and 10% bra strap practice drills. What you talk about should be the most important part of your ‘game’ and this will vary greatly depending on the lady’s hand you seek. Once you have happily exhausted the female’s ability to care about your shared interest in Halo video game literature, you can unfocus your eyes and try to put your mouth on her mouth. She will be thrilled. And for those women who seek superficial men for meaningless sex, try talking more like Sting.
How to Act
It terms of movement and physical demeanor, the women of 2011 typically seek a calm and self-assured man who is also prone to uncontrollable spasms of romantic flailing. The more violent and uncontrollable this flailing becomes, the more playful and spontaneous the man appears. Try flailing at key social gatherings: weddings, Bar Mitzvahs, or LAN parties.
But, let it be known: for the vast majority of their lives, women are looking for men who will keep away and quietly accumulate material wealth. Act accordingly.
Where You Should Be From
You should be from somewhere else. At the start, the less women know about you, the better. You being from some obscure place provides them with an opportunity to chart their progress in learning ‘your story.’ As they realize that the distant suburb of Chicago you grew up in ‘actually was a shithole’ and not ‘critical to your artistic development,’ you can explain that the trials of your childhood destroyed your character.
What To Eat
Women like to eat a lot but they generally have more anxiety about it than you do. You should lead the way by eating as much food as possible. Especially if you are on the skinny side. Undereating, being overly picky, or being overly indifferent will force women into a position where they might have to explain or justify their own relationship with food. Avoid this at all costs.
Where To Live
Women would prefer you to live some reasonably far distance away from them. Should you loose favor, the female will need space. She won’t want to see you at the bodega every evening buying condoms so you can sleep with other woman two buildings over. You should also try to live in a poorer, more dangerous neighborhood than her, to save money and to make her think you can fight people. She will always have a better bed in a nicer part of town. She probably has more friends than you and she uses them exclusively validate her clothing addiction and to find good housing situations.
Your Day Job
Work in a cubicle. It means you a ready for commitment and that you aren’t afraid to fit in. Women, like men, are actually terrified of ‘artistic types,’ ‘dreamers’ and ‘revolutionaries.’
Your Moonlighting Gig
If your interests and night time passions are too counter-cultural you may never even see women. The best option is to have an accessible interest like ‘the acoustic guitar’ and an inaccessible, unique interest like ‘the early solo recordings of various members of Animal Collective.’
This one is huge. Basically, making women like you means giving them the ability to imagine you in their future, be this is a cab ride away, or thirty years at a house in Connecticut. Paint a metaphorical picture of your future life together using everyday routine, fragments of conversation and optimistic sex. Try to pretend that the chances of you having compatible futures lives is greater than 50%. Continue to do so until the chance drops below 5%.
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i inhaled deeply. your scent, your deodorant, your cologne, even your morning breath. i know these scents so well and the familiarity is comforting.
This video of a puppy watching a scene we’re so familiar with and evoking the same sentiments we once felt is oddly heartwarming, extremely precious and a dash of funny.
You died, and the hope that you would one day love us back the way we loved you died with you.
Weight Watchers likes to say that nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Which I guess means they’ve never tasted Cinnamon Toast Crunch.