Bizarre and Ultimately Depressing World News

Baby boys are being raped in Africa. Yeah. Huffington Post reported yesterday that there’s been a mass gang rape of 200 women and… “some baby boys,” posting the story with a picture of a bunch of, I guess, the rapists, grinning broadly at the camera. This happened in Congo.

Kinda wish everyone in Congo was as good-natured as everyone in that movie called Congo with the talking gorilla named Amy and the crazy cave gorillas that controlled the diamonds and jumped into the lava at the end. Here’s a clip worth watching:

Yesterday the Huffington Post also published a vaguely alarming article called “China Traffic Jam Enters 9th Day, Spans Over 60 Miles.” Kinda wondering if people are dying yet. Where are they going to the bathroom? But according to a relatively bizarre statement issued by the state media, “Bejing drivers are accustomed to such delays.” Really?

In lighter, more life affirming news, someone’s invented a totally awesome, sort of gay self-balancing electric unicycle. It has a top speed of about 25 miles an hour, and its electric charge lasts for 30 miles, max. Seems a bit pointless at that capacity but whatever. Here’s a video, in which the driver of the thing is visibly embarrassed for seeming gay:

Returning to frightening news, we now have iris scanners for “security,” and the technology is first going to be implemented in Mexico, of all places. Don’t really understand where they got the money for that. Scanners will first be placed at security checkpoints and police detention centers. Later, hopes the optimistic founder of the company that’s selling Mexico the technology, they’ll be placed in bus stops, medical centers and banks. “There’s a lot of convenience to this,” dude says. “You’ll have nothing to carry except your eyes.” Awesome.

Over in Europe, one third of adults in the UK are apparently total pussies, implies an article posted by the Daily Telegraph last week titled “Third of adults still take teddy bear to bed.” The article’s subhead reads “More than a third of adults still hug a childhood soft toy while falling asleep, according to a new survey.” Seems bleak.

Finally, some dumbass in New York the other day got “ejected” from a Starbucks because she wouldn’t specify whether she wanted butter or cheese on her multigrain bagel. Stories like this make me feel alienated from people. Someone at New York Post interviewed her about it. “I yelled, ‘I want my multigrain bagel!’” she told the Post. “The barista said, ‘You’re not going to get anything unless you say butter or cheese!’” Eventually, the cops were called. The woman holds a PhD from Columbia.