Advanced Passive Aggressive Techniques for the Student, Employee, Roommate, or Family Member

The Helper – “I want to help you. Why wont you let me help you?”

If there’s something you really don’t want to do, avoid it at all costs, because nothing is more frustrating than someone who expends all their energy avoiding work. For example, don’t do dishes. Ever. Next, wait for someone to pick up your slack, and once they do, stand near them. Watch them washing the dishes that you were supposed to wash. Then, try to grab the soapy plate.

“Oh I was going to do that,” you say casually.

“I’m in the middle already,” responds your victim.

Say, “I want to help you. Why won’t you let me help you?”

Wait a second for them to resume washing your dishes. Then scream, “ughhhhhh you never let me do anything.”

The Doorman – “Oh it’s fine I can wait for the bathroom.”

This works especially well with roommates. It borders on psychological warfare. First, your roommate politely asks if you’re “cool with me using the bathroom for while.” “Of course,” you say from your computer chair, back now turned from the open laptop and the lit cigarette on the desk behind you. “Sweet, ” your roommate says.

But when your roommate is in the bathroom, decide you need a shower. Take off your clothes and wrap a towel around your naked body. Wait quietly outside the door for them to complete their shit. Pace around, trying to avoid the places where you know the floorboards will creak. When your roommate begins to wash his hands, scurry loudly back to your room before they can see you being shamefully passive aggressive. Make sure the roommate is well out of line-of-sight before you skitter back toward the bathroom. Shut the door quietly, and turn the lock so slow that it’s impossible for your roommate to hear it click home.

The Chef – “Are you really going to eat that?”

This one is for the ladies. If you know someone who has food and/or body issues, just be a massive shit about it and constantly – but passively – remind them that they need to consume mounds of smelly calories in order to live. Take it to the next level by memorizing their eating habits and knowing what and when they usually eat.

The Traveling Mom – “So, what do you want to do today?”

Family vacations can involve a lot of decision making. Take this as an opportunity to drive a wedge of malignant confusion between family members.

As the planning leader of the trip, you’ve already decided what you’re all going to do for the next few days. You know exactly how it should go down: where to go, how to get there, and what the best restaurants are. Now: simply ask everyone what they want to do. When they offer opinions that diverge with yours, don’t say no, but ask: “Well, that’s pretty out of the way. Do you want to go into the city or do you want to go to the beach instead? We can go to the city of course, if you really want to. It’s just so out of the way is what I’m saying. But I’m fine with going there.” The heart of this strategy is the successful manipulation of varying degrees of doubt.

This strategy can be enacted to maddening effect when it comes to choosing bars, restaurants, and places of leisure, and is made especially effective when the confusion you create becomes so all-encompassing that any relaxation you might have enjoyed in said place of leisure has been altogether canceled out by group frustration and annoyance.

The Awkward Bitch – “Um is that your weed?”

If you want something, the best thing to do is awkwardly and doggedly peruse it until it’s too uncomfortable for someone to refuse you. This works for everything from casual sex to employment.

Take weed, for example. It’s 3 a.m. on Saturday and things are winding down. Your buddy has let you crash on his couch after your night out in ‘the Marina.’ You really want to smoke grass but you have no money and no idea how to keep your friend from passing out on his way to the bathroom. Simply lurch to the nearest object and point at it. Loudly ask, “um is that your weed?” Your friend will be too confused and embarrassed to tell you that you’re in fact pointing at a Weekend At Bernie’s DVD case. He will steal weed from his roommate because he feels sorry for you.

The High School Friend – “1 NEW TEXT MESSAGE: It was good to see you. No.. I mean it was really awesome dude. Great job living in New York. Best of luck. [You fucking smug dipshit.]”

This one is easy. Just be a super prick all the time. Kiss whale ass. Visit an old high school friend in New York, accept his hospitality, and make him feel like he just ruined your wholegrain life-buzz with his Midtown-drug-party lifestyle. Hold the fact that he likes to do something with his life against him. Of course, never contact him again, but send him a Facebook Status “Like” now and again. Twice a year at most.

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