How to be Chill

My life is not Chill. I live in New York City, which is pretty much the least chill place on Earth. I work in an office in Midtown Manhattan, which is the definition of un-chill. I wake up at 7:30 and commute to work listening to black metal. This morning, as I removed my office keycard from my designer bag, I saw three members of the US Military in full body armor walking briskly into the subway.

My first thought was, “I’m so glad New York is up-to-speed on this whole police state thing.”

Admittedly, I have no recent experience with chill. Sometimes though, when I smoke a doobie (one puff only) with some male friends and have nothing on my calendar for the next few hours, I get a taste of what it might be like to be chill. Mainly, my references are from the past. Chill reminds me of when I lived in Oakland California. Chill reminds me of growing up in the wealthy suburbs of Seattle.

Being chill is about coming to terms with your own death in a way that does not involve heavy consumerism or substance abuse. The best way to express your chillness is (surprisingly) not by growing mountains of hydroponic dank, but instead by making simple, anti-fashion statements that express your nearness to death.

If you want to stick with the whole skinny hipster fag thing, because it makes you feel comfortable, fine. I’m still on that tip, to some degree. But really, being chill is about just wearing comfortable clothing and remaining seated. You need to be consistent. Realistically, wearing the same clothing for the next twenty-five years is only going to be easy if you start with the basics: comfy socks, loose fitting jeans, and tee shirts that express your individuality (which is only important as an identifying characteristic). This is the clothing that will let the world know you have given up on fearing anything or anyone, even death. You live only for the positive.

You need to do something while you comfortably wait to die. Acceptable hobbies include: casual guitar noodling, fishing of any kind, longboarding, and drunk golf. Please avoid: excessive exercise, model trains, parkour, and anything seriously artistic.

For obvious reasons, reading about rap on the Internet is chill. This low-level exposure to the reality of the streets will make the deep problems of life and death come into a blurry focus. The simple pleasures will matter more. After listening to Read To Die for the 1000th time, you may begin to take an interest in gardening or cooking.

Sex might be the chillest. If your are a content, chill dude with only occasional homosexual encounters, you will very soon find yourself impregnating an woman.

Don’t fret, being a dad is the chillest. Just remember to think long term, be positive, and don’t sweat the small stuff. The best thing about having kids is knowing you’re ‘already working way harder than you need to on pretty much everything.’ Paying attention to bullshit like fashion, the dishes, or science is out of the question.

Plus, while you are a dad, you can engage is some of the chillest behavior possible including: watching sports while sleeping, using Facebook while watching the kids, mowing the lawn, and BBQ. Dads get to be aloof, and at the same time, likable and thoughtful. Moms are jealous.

This is especially useful in your place of work. Chill people are exceptionally good in the business world because they are able to relax in stressful environments. If you are able to appear busy and attentive on a regular basis, you will be promoted regardless of your creative or physical contribution to work. In the event that you are given too much responsibility (for example in wealth-management or heavy manufacturing sectors), defer to one of those unpleasant people who always have energy and opinions on things.

This last tip is a way to prove that you are serious about this whole chill thing.

If you want to be chill you need to video chat your parents right after you have sex. Obviously your parents want to hear from you. And certainly – at least your mom – will be interested in meeting whoever you might be sleeping with this month. Another great bonus: this one will work for ‘for life.’ As long as you have a computer and your parents haven’t gone to the big jam sesh in the sky, you can always slap an ass, get further under those covers, and dial up your mom’s Gchat screenname. You will feel relaxed, exchange family gossip, and your mom will feel like her child is at peace with the world, and his or her sexuality.